my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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