i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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