Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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