i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
