the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize