i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
