everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
