Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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