Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
