dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
