If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
