Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
