i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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