I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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