this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
