are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
