I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
