so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
