I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Girls should come with a carfax report
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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