Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
