Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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