well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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