Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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