I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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