I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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