does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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