How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
