I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
