Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
