if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I had to cum in my sink.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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