Redeem this text for a blowjob
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
