If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
