used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize