Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
