Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
