I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
