I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
