I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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