I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
