i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
