Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
