I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
