im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
