Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
