That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
