I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
