I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
