foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize