chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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