I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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