her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
