I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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