im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
