And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i think my tv is drunk
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
