You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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